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The Madness That Is My Life…..a blog about my life

~ The madness that is my life…my thoughts, feelings and experiences as I go through life

The Madness That Is My Life…..a blog about my life

Tag Archives: beauty

Eyes wide shut.

04 Saturday Apr 2015

Posted by themadnessthatismylife in Uncategorized

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Tags

beauty, blog, hidden, London, seeing, sightseeing, statue, trains, travel

The other morning I had a meeting in London. On the way there I met up with a friend who works in London and because we arrived early we decided to catch up over a coffee. We bought our coffees and decided to saunter around St Pancras station whilst drinking it. Now I’ve been to St Pancras station about a hundred times. I know where Starbucks is, I know where Costa is. I can find my way to South Eastern trains, East Midlands trains and the Eurostar. I know where the pianos are and I know where the bookshop is. I could direct you to Fat Face, Boots or Matks and Spencer. I even know 3 different routes to the tube station.  

Suffice to say if anyone asked me if say I knew St Pancras station I’d definitely say yes. So when my friend suggested we killed the last 5 minutes before our respective trains by exploring the upstairs of the station I didn’t think much of it. We went up to the second floor via a lift near the bookshop and came out onto a concourse near the booking office. There was a restaurant/bar there and we could see the original features of the beautiful building. So far so expected. Then something caught my eye. It was something that I had never noticed before in all the times that I have been in that station; a humongous statue of lovers kissing. When I say it was huge, I mean it is gigantic in its proportions. At my full height I didn’t come up to the top of the pedestal that it was sat upon. I was in awe. I felt compelled to go up to it, to touch it. I was stunned that this beautiful and enormous piece of artwork was there, all this time and I’d never ever noticed it. 

Now I noticed it I began to look around me for other things that I had missed in the past. It was amazing; I must literally have walked through this station a hundred times with my eyes wide shut, because now, all of a sudden I was seeing a whole new place. There is a huge clock hanging on the rear of the station wall. It’s literally about three times the height of me and I’d never ever noticed it. It was huge and majestic and totally ignored by me until this very moment. There is also a statue of a man, slightly bigger than me, so lifelike at a distance that I thought it could be a real person looking for a train. Embedded into the floor are brass circles with quotes and words from poems engraved into them. It was honestly like I’d entered another world. 

It made me think about how many other things I haven’t noticed in my life. Have I not noticed the blaringly obvious stuff before? What have I missed? What other places have I walked past hundreds of time without ever really looking? Am I always in such a rush to get to where I’m going that I completely miss the awe inspiring beauty along the way? Alternately, have I raced through life missing the warning signs that things aren’t the way that they appear to be? 

And in that moment I made a promise to myself; I will try to slow down. I will try to see the beauty between the trees even as I try to leave the forest. I will look beyond the obvious and strive to see the small nuances that make a place or a person unique, individual. I will try to listen more, be more patient, less rushed, because sometimes there is great beauty beyond the obvious.  

   

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Through the looking glass.

20 Saturday Dec 2014

Posted by themadnessthatismylife in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

beauty, diet, fat, feelings, happiness, life, mirrors, reflections, skinny

Anyone who knows me knows that I am rubbish at looking in the mirror. It’s not that I can’t do it, it’s just not something that really enters my head on a day to day basis. A lot of my colleagues can vouch for that from all the times I’ve turned up with my hair not brushed, or pen on my face (You don’t know shame until you have delivered a presentation to over a 100 people still proudly displaying bed head!).

I’ve not always been this way, as a young teenager I was pretty obsessed with my reflection. I’d spend ages in front of the mirror, often in tears, wishing my nose was smaller, my lips were bigger and that I was skinnier. I’d carefully apply makeup and fret about my hair looking just right. I was never happy with how I looked. I was not skinny enough or attractive enough neither did I feel I looked old enough.

As I got older I started to take drugs, got a heroin addiction weighed only 5.5 stone and I avoided looking in the mirror. You see every time that I looked in the mirror, it never really felt that the person looking back at me was me. It didn’t quite tally with the person that I thought I was. Or of my self image in my head.

I moved forward in life, I got clean and put on weight. Had two babies, put on 7.5 stone, lost 5 stone. I’ve had blonde hair and dark hair, long hair and short hair. Never has the reflection in the mirror looked right. Never have I thought it reflected the real me.

I’m currently the skinniest I’ve been for years, I know that I look ok, on the outside. I’m not the best looking, I’m not the worst. I’m actually fairly comfortable in my skin. If I was given a gift voucher for a cosmetic surgeon I’d not really know what to do with it. No part of me bothers me that much, unless I focus on it. Which by avoiding mirrors I don’t.

The thing is, the reflection in the mirror isn’t me. I look at the person staring back and she seems ok. Not perfect but she doesn’t look like the self conscious and self doubting woman I know myself to be. She looks normal and in control and carefree. And that isn’t a reflection of how I feel that I am. It’s not how I see myself in my head.

A friend of a friend recently told me that I was the cool kid at school. The one people were in awe of because I was a rebel and knew what I wanted and where I was going (straight into an abyss by all accounts). Today people seem to think I am competent and know what I am doing. obviously they are seeing the same person as I see reflected in the mirror in my bedroom, I wonder how many of them know that they are not seeing the real me?

Because externally anyone can look ok. It’s inside us that counts. The most beautiful person can be evil and the ugliest and fattest can be a generous and amazing person. I wonderhow others see themselves, compared to how I see their reflection. I think that’s more important than beauty, because looks can be deceiving.

There are a lot of reasons that I don’t bother looking in the mirror and none of them are to do with me not caring how I look.

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